i stumble down the harbor to the tavern on the square
and heard a raucous ruckus as it rang
from some foul inebriates
the men i used to call my mates
were lost in song and this is what they sang—they sang:

"hey, hi, yo, ho
o'er the atlantic we go
drinking 'til we all get sick
and comin' up with limericks
but we never quite remember how they end"

fuck me i just don’t even know how to do things anymore

i keep thinking “oh, hey, cool, I’m feeling better now” but it keeps being like, a false positive or someting because the next morning I wake up to my alarm and can’t get out of bed or if I do I can’t take a shower or if I do, I can’t go outside until I’m so hungry that I finally break and ask someone if they wanna get something so I don’t go out alone

and I’m just really fucking tired of this like

come ON, Ashby

there’s nothing really wrong with you

you can do these normal people things

you need to go to class and go outside and talk to people and remember that you have friends and have enjoyable times and read books and write papers and eat ice cream and wear scarves

but i can’t bring myself to do any of that, positive or negative

just blogging about how i can’t do this shit feels exhausting and that’s just really sad what the fuck happened to my life

and it’s fun because I’ve lost track of time so terribly that like, I think I’ve missed the deadlines for some projects and papers and like, tomorrow is a midterm

and i’m so unprepared and i have no idea how to prepare and i’m so scared of talking to professors and like, admitting that something is wrong with me and that i’m too inadequate to like, function like a normal person

and i’m so scared that they won’t believe me or will belittle the issue or will just be not at all willing to like, accept “crippling depression to the degree that I couldn’t move for hours” as an excuse

and i hate that it’s even an excuse, like, it’s not a contagious disease or something, i’m not really “sick,” so like, can i get a note saying “Ashby was down with a bad case of depression, please excuse him” or is that just not even a thing

god i’m just so behind and so scared and i have no idea what to do so i freak myself out and i get worked up and i’m afraid of seeing how bad the damage is because i don’t know how i’ll be able to fix it

i just feel so overwhelmed and i’m not even sure who are where or what is supposed to normally help in a situation like this like

is there a “i’m fucking crazy, please fix me and make it so i can go outside again and also help me tell my profs what’s wrong and help me get back on track and help me get new meds and get into therapy sooner and just get my fucking life together before i fall apart” club or hotline or agency on campus because that would be really fucking appreciated